Letters I’ll Never Send – to the people, places, and moments I left a piece of myself

Letters I’ll Never Send – to the people, places, and moments I left a piece of myself

Some stories don’t need an audience. Some goodbyes don’t need to be spoken. And some letters, the ones that write themselves in my head on quiet nights, whispered through thoughts and dreams, are meant only to remind me how deeply I’ve lived.

These are mine. Letters I’ll never send! To the people, places, and moments that shaped me; to the corners of the world that taught me what home can mean.

Dear Warren, Ohio,

I may have started life in Fort Meade, Maryland, but you were the beginning. The backdrop of a small town with the sound of trains that made me dream of elsewhere.

You raised me knowing to go home when the streetlights came on. You gave me an education which made me curious, with a longing to wander, and a family whose love traveled with me long after I boarded my first plane. Even now, no matter how far I go, your streetlights glow in my memory. AND one day, I will come home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

You named me Wendy. A name borrowed from imagination and given to a girl who would one day learn to fly.

You filled my world with books, maps, and National Geographic magazines that made the globe feel both infinite and reachable. You were my first teachers: parents, providers of wisdom, and permissive provocateurs who never clipped my wings, even when you worried where they might take me. Thank you for the gift of curiosity. It became the passport to everything I’ve ever loved.

Dear Mark,

You’ve always been my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.

From the start, you believed in every wild idea I chased, even when it meant watching me disappear across oceans. You reminded me where I came from, kept the laughter alive in the spaces between our worlds, and never let distance dull our bond. No matter how far I roam, knowing you’re in my corner makes every place feel a little more like home.

 

Dear Tom,

You were the love that taught me how deep connection can go and how fragile timing can be.

We dreamed together once, of places and possibilities, and though the road eventually led me away, part of me was always tracing those dreams we never took. You were both anchor and catalyst. The ache that became my compass. I’ve carried you quietly across continents, tucked between journal pages and border stamps. Maybe love doesn’t have to last to leave a mark. Maybe it just has to open a door.

Dear Paris,

You were my first dream, my leap across the pond, and my first step into the unknown.

You taught me how to take care of myself when everything felt foreign. I arrived with a suitcase and an open mind, and left with stories and a desire to share my Paris with anyone who would listen or travel with me. You showed me beauty, history, the thrill of discovery and somehow, I fall more in love with you each time I return.

Dear Julie,

You were the girl behind the counter at the corner café in Montmartre. The one who always remembered how I liked my coffee in the morning and poured my wine the moment you spotted me walking down the street toward Café Chappe at night. You always had a dining recommendation, and it was always the right choice.

Between my tiny cups of espresso and glasses of rosé, we shared our dreams. Yours was Bali.

I still remember the sparkle in your eyes when you made me promise that if you ever made it there, I would visit. And I did. You kept your promise to yourself, and I found my way to Bali. Then, because of the family I met there during my visit to you, I found my way back again.

Dear China,

You were my test and my teacher and sometimes, you were tough. I laughed. I cried. I stumbled through tones and translations, but learned that kindness doesn’t need a dictionary. I was frustrated at times and decided you were the place I loved to hate, yet hated to love.

From shared taxis to last-minute dinners I couldn’t refuse because someone would “lose face,” to students and friends who became like family. You taught me that humanity has its own universal accent. I still carry your chaos. And, dear Xiashan, I will always consider you my home in the Middle Kingdom.

And because I can’t choose one, to all the Alinas, Alices, Rabbies, Peters, Pauls, and all the Chinese names I can’t remember, you made me fall in love with your country, your culture, and your people. You turned six months into four years and gave me an inside look at a nation that, until recently, had only begun to open its doors to foreigners.

You gave me a language written in characters instead of letters, words and numbers I still recall today, a love of real Chinese food, and a lifelong appreciation for your history. And though personal space was never your strong suit, you filled every inch of my life with color, laughter, and unforgettable stories. I am forever grateful for the time I spent with all of you.

 

Dear Bali,

You were the soft landing after the chaos of China.

You wrapped me in sunlight, incense, love, and sea salt. You reminded me that healing can be found in water, laughter, family, prayer, meditation, and the mystical ways of the Balian, Cok Rai, the healer who felt what I couldn’t explain. In your temples and in your hearts, I learned how to breathe again…deeply, gratefully, without hurry.

I discovered the joy of simple things: the sound of wind chimes over rice fields, the gamelan at the temple, the call of the gecko, and the sweet scent of frangipani that will never leave me.

Dear Ketut, Koming, Kirana, and Kiera,

You were truly my Balinese family. I fell in love with you on my first visit to Peliatan, near Ubud. You welcomed me as if I had always belonged. You invited me into your home, your rituals, your laughter, your lives.

You included me in daily offerings and temple ceremonies, took me to a Balinese wedding, and before I left, invited me back to participate in Ketut’s mother’s Ngaben, the sacred cremation ceremony. I returned, and you welcomed me not as a guest but as family.

When I left again, I knew I would return, not for days or weeks, but for months. During that time, I learned so much about Balinese culture, but more than anything, you taught me the meaning of belonging.

When I finally had to leave for the U.S., you made me promise to come back. I planned to return in May 2020, but the world stopped turning, and I couldn’t get there. You even planned a surprise for me at the airport: the new addition to your family, little Kinara.

You will always be Bali to me.

Dear Poland,

I arrived just before the world stopped turning. You became my shelter in uncertain times. I was grateful to spend the pandemic within your borders. I went from face-to-face English lessons to online sessions and found unexpected connection through a screen.

I lived in the heart of your capital, where a never-ending rotation of international flatmates kept life interesting, and human, during a time when the world felt paused. Through those encounters, I built deep friendships that carried me through the quiet months.

More than anything, you gave me a new respect for your country and your people. For the way you endured, rebuilt, and kept moving forward no matter how heavy the history or how long the winter.

Poland, thank you for showing me the meaning of resilience.

Dear Valeria, Zeka, Anu, Anil, Tarlan, and Klara,

In the revolving door of flatmates, you are the ones who stayed nearest and dearest. I can’t imagine my life in Warsaw without you in it.

Valeria, the broken tub bonded our friendship as tightly as the repair job on the hole you made.

Anu and Anil, celebrating Nepalese holidays with you and your friends brought such light into the long winters, and I’ll never forget the joy I felt when your son was born.

Zeka, Tarlan, and Klara, what can I say? We had some mad Friday nights. Cocktails, Frank Sinatra and Elvis on the turntable, friends over for those ridiculous games, like Cards Against Humanity, laughter echoing through the flat long after the music stopped and you headed to the club and I headed to bed.

I probably wouldn’t have stayed nearly five years if it hadn’t been for all of you.

Dear Bulgaria,

Your chapter started more than twenty years ago, when four teenagers from Gabrovo came to Warren, Ohio. No matter how often you say, I’ll come see you someday, it rarely happens when decades and oceans lie between.

When I was living in Poland, I received an offer to teach English at Zenira Camp on the Black Sea. It was an unexpected door to my past and a chance to fulfill a long-kept promise to visit those four young people from Bulgaria.

Not only did you reunite me with the teenagers who were now in their thirties by the time I made the trip, but you also gave me a new cast of characters through Zenira Camp and four unforgettable summers on the Black Sea.

You gave me the gift of return and reminded me that some stories really do come full circle.

Dear Hristian, Tony, Pako (Pavel), and Yani,

Our chapter began more than twenty years ago in Warren, Ohio, when I met four teenagers from Gabrovo, Bulgaria, who stole my heart.

Pako, having you live with me and Tom may have been a precursor to why I’m so drawn to homestays. It’s the best way to immerse yourself in a culture.

Hristian, you always made me laugh and still do to this day.

Tony and Yani, so young, sweet, and innocent back then, and now married with children of your own.

I can’t tell you how much it meant to reconnect with all of you after more than two decades. To see you again in your home country (even though two of you no longer live there), to meet your families, and to have you share your Bulgaria with me.

Seeing you all again was proof that time may pass, but love and laughter never fade.

Dear Tanzania,

You were another dream come true. You were my reminder of wonder.

As a little girl, I didn’t dream of sugarplums; I dreamed of epic sunsets behind massive acacia trees while giraffes and zebras wandered the plains. From your rock-strewn earth to your wide-open sky, you gave me awe. The endless stretch of the Serengeti left me breathless. I saw lions asleep beneath acacia trees, the great migration of wildebeest, and a horizon that felt infinite.

I remember the laughter of my small students who found joy in everything, the rhythm and vivid color of the Maasai market, and the sunsets that made time disappear. You reminded me that joy lives in the simple things and that gratitude can be spoken with a smile alone.

 

Dear Bright English Medium School,

I lived with you at the school. It was a forty-minute walk from the nearest town, if you could even call it that. I sometimes felt guilty eating my chapati, pasta, meat stew, and fresh fruit while you ate porridge for breakfast and rice and beans for lunch and dinner every single day. But I learned that gratitude is often served through food, and I have never met a more thankful group of children.

You were grateful for every moment we spent together. Whether it was chasing a battered water jug across the dusty field and kicking it into a lone soccer goal, or singing songs while keeping rhythm on an overturned pail. We didn’t always have electricity. I took bucket showers with water heated over a wood fire and washed my clothes by hand, hanging them to dry in the Tanzanian sun.

Thank you for showing me so much love, for reminding me that joy doesn’t come from having much, but from cherishing what you have. You gave me one of the most heartwarming experiences of my life and a forever home in my heart.

Dear Morocco,

Our story isn’t over yet. You were never part of my long-term plan, but somehow you became home.

I came for what I thought would be three months, a brief stay, a new adventure. Then I arrived in Kelaa, still recovering from an ear infection, and somehow you wouldn’t let me go. I stayed. I taught. And when another injury and uncertainty found me again, you turned healing into belonging.

I’ll never forget the stillness and silence of the Sahara or the nights in Kelaa when the call to prayer floated through the air and I realized I was exactly where I was meant to be.

Like I said, our story isn’t over yet. But when this chapter does end, know that it was one of the most unexpected and beautiful of them all. A reminder that sometimes the places we never planned to go become the ones that affect us most.

Dear People of Morocco,

Because this chapter isn’t over yet, I’ll save my unsent letter for another time. But if I were to write them now, there would be too many to count.

I could fill pages with stories of shared coffee and tea, of strangers who showed kindness before they knew my name. I could write to the shopkeepers, the desert nomads, the children who shouted greetings while they kicked their soccer ball, and the friends who refused to let me leave until I ate more.

There are so many people, places, and moments that deserve their own letter, enough, perhaps, for a book all their own. For now, I’ll just say thank you for your warmth, your patience, and your endless capacity to make a foreigner feel at home.

PS: And so, for now, I’ll leave this last letter unwritten…

Some letters aren’t meant to arrive. They just need to be written. And with this one unfinished, I don’t know where the next postcard from the edge will come from, or who will become my next Dear So-and-So. But I can feel Kenya calling. It will be another story waiting, another letter unwritten. There are so many people, not only from the road but from home, to whom I could write a thousand letters, but know this: every one of them is already written on my heart. Maybe that’s how I dream by writing letters never sent, to people, places, and moments that made my life a living map of love.

Why I Am Grateful for the Global Pandemic

Why I Am Grateful for the Global Pandemic

As the Thanksgiving season is upon us, it is time to consciously think about things we are grateful for.  Sure, we all go through the list of family, friends, a place to live, a job, food to eat, etc.  Now, before you jump down my neck and say, how can you be grateful for a global crisis that, according to Worldometer, has now affected over 250,000,000 people and has caused, along with other comorbidities, 5,000,000 plus deaths?”,  let me explain.

In a few short months, we will be two years into what started out as “two weeks to flatten the curve”.  Sometimes it is hard to wrap my head around the fact that two years have nearly passed and that I will have been living in Poland for two years and have received temporary residency.  My original plan, although I should probably say “my original thought” as I didn’t really have a solid plan, was to spend just over a year in Poland.

Then I wanted to return to Bali and my Balinese family for a special ceremony that was planned at the temple in Peliatan.  After a few months in Bali, possibly move on to a WorkAway in India, Kenya, or Tanzania and then consider a return to Poland.  A mere six weeks after I arrived in Poland, the world stopped turning.

As the pandemic progressed,  information from the State Department in the USA, encouraged American citizens abroad to return home.  Having a job and a flat, I chose to stay in Warsaw.  A choice in no way I regret and am thankful for.  Henry Rollins once said, “a great way to learn about your country is to leave it.”   Looking at my country, it seemed a bit chaotic.  Since this is somewhat of a gratitude post, I’m not going to address that here.   Other than working remotely, my life in Warsaw was copacetic.  Although, it was becoming obvious that “two weeks to flatten the curve” wasn’t happening.

Today, I started a one-on-one English lesson with a new student.  She asked me to “tell her my story”.  I’m sure she had no idea what she was getting herself into.  I finally ended my story explaining that because of the pandemic, I am still in Poland and have agreed to another school year and I have residency until 2024.  I guess she is a glutton for punishment, she then asked me to tell her my feelings about Warsaw and life in Poland.  Wait a minute, I’m supposed to be the teacher here, but her question made me think.  I didn’t need to think about how I felt about life in Poland, but it made me realize how much I came to appreciate Poland because of or maybe despite the pandemic.  Without further ado, reasons I am grateful for the pandemic.

Having visited Warsaw once before in 2014, I knew it would be a great home base for travel throughout Europe.  I pictured weekends in Paris, visiting family and friends in Germany, seeing Erwin in Norway, heading off to Finland or Sweden to see the Northern Lights, and picking up some new stamps in my passport along the way.  Of course, those plans were shattered when the pandemic hit, and Poland closed its borders.  I had a choice to sit at home or go out and explore my city. Although many things were closed, I started walking around my neighborhood.

This led to the discovery of remnants of the Mur Ghetto or Ghetto Wall.  The memorials show the outline of the former ghetto which in 1940 had a total length of about 18km.  There is a line on the sidewalk or street reading “mur getta”.  I learned that if you can read the words straight on, you are outside the ghetto and if they appear upside down, you are inside the ghetto.  Finding these memorials, I became curious as to what I didn’t know about Poland and WWII.  As I researched, I discovered more and more places I wanted to visit not only in Warsaw but all of Poland.

Not usually being one for historical fiction,  I was suddenly drawn to novels about Poland and WWII.  With the pandemic in full swing, I had plenty of time to up my reading habit.   Books like, “The Lilac Girls”, “The Zookeeper’s Wife”, “The Rabbit Girls”, and “The Book of Lost Names” piqued my interest in other places in Warsaw and other cities across Poland.

Although I love zoos and often visit them, after reading “The Zookeeper’s Wife” and learning how Jan and Antonina Zabinski began smuggling Jews and hiding them in empty cages and even in their villa, I knew my visit to the Warsaw Zoo would have me see it in a different light.  “The Lilac Girls” introduced me to Lublin, Poland, and the State Museum at Majdanek.

I had never heard of the Majdanek Concentration Camp and Lublin was only just over 2 hours by train from Warsaw.  It was an easy day trip and one spring day I caught the train and because of a book, I visited a place I may never have known about.

Walking my neighborhood, I found out I was a couple of blocks away from the Warsaw Uprising Museum.  The Warsaw Uprising broke out on Tuesday, August 1, 1944, at 17:00 PM.  The interactive museum is difficult to take in during just one visit.  Also near me is the Polin Museum.  The Museum is a modern institution of culture – “it is a historical museum which presents the 1000 years of Jewish life in the Polish lands.” Again, too much to wrap your head around during just one visit.  I live in the Wola District of Warsaw.

As I walked around my neighborhood, I noticed more and more markers on the street, signs on walls of buildings, and free-standing monuments.  With so much history of Jewish Poland right in my neighborhood, I also spent time wandering around the Jewish Cemetery which is just a few tram stops from my house.

The city had me intrigued and I started t look for unique things to do and see.  That’s how I discovered the Neon Museum and the Pinball Museum.  Places I probably wouldn’t have discovered were it not for the pandemic situation.  I also visited the Vodka Museum and the Stacja Muzeum (Train Museum).  While visiting the Stacja Muzeum, I learned of a narrow-gauge rail museum in a nearby city.  As restrictions around the country began to be eased, I started taking short day trips from Warsaw.  One was to the city of Sochaczew to the Narrow-Gauge Railway Museum which also offered a short train ride to the Kampinos Forest and a cookout.  I didn’t know Poland had lavender fields and one day found myself on a train to the city of Żyrardów.  From there I took an Uber to a Lawenda pod Skowronkami and came home with bouquets of fresh-picked lavender.  In Warsaw I was enjoying the many parks, wandering around Old Town, and life near the Vistula River.

As summer was ending, I decided to take more than just day trips.  My first adventure took me to the city of Kętrzyn which was the city nearest to Gierłoż.  What caught my interest in Gierłoż?  By this time I had been in Poland for over 6 months, I was hungry for more and more information especially related to WWII.  As I was scrolling Facebook one day, I came across information about Hitler’s “Wolf’s Lair” or “Wilczy Szaniec”.  Hitler’s abandoned eastern front military headquarters during WWII and site of an assassination attempt is an eerie reminder of the atrocities of the Nazi regime.  Located in Gierłoż forest, I discovered I could stay on the grounds in a renovated WWII bunker and explore the grounds.  I spent a day and a half wandering the grounds where Hitler spent more than 800 days during the war.

Come October, I decided to spend a few days at the Polish seaside on the Baltic Sea.  I visited the tri-cities of Gdansk, Sopot, and Gdynia with a side trip by train to Hel Peninsula which is a 35-kilometer-long sand bar peninsula separating the Bay of Puck from the Baltic Sea.  At the end of the Peninsula is the town of Hel.  From Hel, I took a ferry back to Gdynia.  The tri-cities are connected to each other by an intercity train which makes going back and forth quite simple.  While in Gdansk I went to Westerplatte which was the site of the first clash between Poland and Germany thus the beginning of WWII.  In Sopot, I discovered the longest wooden pier in Europe and the famous “crooked house”.  Because of the pandemic, I was working remotely so it was great being able to travel and work at the same time.

The end of November brought thoughts of Christmas as Warsaw started to light up for the holidays.  I took a late afternoon trip to Wilanów and the Garden of Lights.  Wilanów is home to the Wilanów Palace often called the Polish Versailles and was the second home to various kings.  I toured the Palace and by the time I finished the gardens were lit with thousands of lights and many displays.  Old Town in Warsaw was brightly decorated and a great place to stroll while sipping a warm cup of grzane wino or mulled wine.

As December rolled in I decided to spend Christmas with friends, and we headed to the Tatra Mountains and the city of Zakopane.  It was perfect as we were hiking the mountain on Christmas morning and light snow began falling.  Christmas evening I took a sleigh ride around the city and to the base of the mountains at nightfall in that lightly falling snow.  It was magical.

After Christmas, the pandemic restrictions tightened up a bit.  Between that and the cold weather, I spent the first 3 months of the year mostly working and enjoying my city.  As soon as the weather broke and restrictions were lifted, I was ready to see more of this country I was now calling home.  Through my English classes and one of our lessons, I learned that many people in Poland make a Pilgrimage to the city of Częstochowa.  The city is known for the famous Pauline Monastery of Jasna Góra, which is the home of the Black Madonna painting, a shrine to the Virgin Mary.  Every year, millions of pilgrims from all over the world come to Częstochowa to see it.

 

I decided to pay a visit to Częstochowa and see the Black Madonna over Easter weekend.  Probably not one of my brightest decisions being there were still some restrictions and Poland being a very religious country, most everything was closed the entire weekend.  No matter, I made the best of it by walking around the Old Town which had some amazing sculptures and eating kebabs, pizza, and McDonald’s as those were about the only restaurants open.  I also visited the Jasna Góra twice.  The Black Madonna is only available for viewing during certain hours, but I did manage to get in to see it.  I was also able to be there for a part of Good Friday services.  The other thing about Częstochowa was the beautiful building murals. My main goal was to see the Black Madonna at the Jasna Góra and I accomplished that task.

The first weekend in June I headed for Kraków.  Kraków is home to the company I work for here in Poland, English Wizards.   I had a checklist of things I wanted to accomplish while in town.  I wanted to meet up with the people who had hired me (I was in China when I applied and everything was done by Skype), hang out in the Old Town, wander the streets of the Jewish Quarter, visit Auschwitz, see Wawel Castle, and go to the Wieliczka Salt Mine.  A lot to pack into a long weekend, but I’m happy to report that all items got ticked.  I spent the first evening bar hopping in the Kazimierz District with my fellow wizards and eating late night/early morning zapiekanki (Polish Pizza) at the Okrąglak.  My hotel was in Old Town, so I had plenty of opportunities to wander the streets and eat and drink at the cafes.  Making a visit to Auschwitz is an experience I will never forget.  The Wieliczka Salt Mine was fascinating and walking around the Jewish Quarter in the Kazimierz district was very educational.  I ended my long weekend with a BBQ at the English Wizard headquarters and got to meet many of my co-workers.  Three hours by train and I was back in Warsaw.  June flew by and before I knew it, it was time for my first trip out of Poland in 16 months.  I was off to spend the summer in Bulgaria at Z-Camp, a youth sports and language camp on the Black Sea.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How can I be thankful for a global pandemic?  I’m grateful for the opportunities it forced me to take.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s heart-wrenching when I think about friends and family who have suffered and even died due to the pandemic.  The divisions it has caused between friends and family are sad.  Yes, the big picture of the last nearly 2 years is often bleak, jobs and businesses were lost.  I am one of the fortunate ones who was able to work more because of the situation.  I also decided to take advantage of the city and country where I chose to stay during this crisis.  I know I saw more of Warsaw and Poland than I would have if the world hadn’t stopped turning and there is a good chance I wouldn’t even be in Poland right now.  I am grateful that my eyes have been opened to a beautiful country that I knew so little about.  I am more understanding of their horrific history, appreciative of their culture and traditions, grateful to my students who I now call friends, and in awe of the beautiful country, I am currently calling home.  I challenge everyone during this season of Thanksgiving to look back and find something to be grateful for.

Thank you, Poland for making me feel like one of your own.

Credit for feature photo to Tomeyk_Krakow