Day Six – What Am I Afraid Of?

Fear – this could go in many different directions.  I could take the easy way out and say I am afraid of snakes, tell my snake encounter in Bali, and be done with it.  But, I’m not sure if I am really afraid of snakes or if they just creep me out.   My chance encounter with a snake in Bali is a good story so I may as well tell it.  Although snakes are not going to be the answer to, What am I afraid of?”.

It was August 2019, and Henry, Deb, Larry, and Amy had come to visit me in Bali.   One of our excursions for the day was to Pura Tirta Empul (Holy Springs in Balinese) or the Water Temple.  Tirta Empul was founded around 926 A.D.  Balinese Hindus go there for ritual purification.  Foreigners can also get a water blessing there.  The water in the pools is believed to have magical powers which is why local Balinese and tourists come here to purify themselves under the 30 water spouts that feed the pools. Figuring I had spent enough time at temple ceremonies already, I was adequately blessed and opted to be the photographer.  The pool was approximately 5 meters wide by 20 meters long.  Worshippers stood in long snaking (pun intended) lines in the pools, waiting to dip their heads below the water spouts.

I found what I thought was a perfect location for getting photos of the group performing the ritual beneath the first water spout.  Of course, I was wearing flip-flops. I’m snapping pictures when I feel something tickling my feet.  I look down and see a snake, not quite a meter long, slithering over them. I took a deep breath, didn’t move,  and managed to snap a photo as it was going through a hole and into the pool that was filled with people.  I wanted to let out a small scream and yell snake, but thought better of it considering the chaos I could start.  It evidently didn’t bother anyone because no incident ensued.

What am I afraid of?  During my travels, I get asked about fear quite often.  Aren’t you afraid of being alone? When the war with Ukraine broke out, I was asked if I was afraid of being in Poland because of the political situation and the war.  Are you afraid of becoming unwell?  Are you afraid of getting hurt?  I survived a broken back and a lengthy surgery in China, so I think I got that covered.  The list goes on.  Those things never really cross my mind.

My dad used to quote FDR, “The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.”  I interpret this as I can’t fear things that are out of my control or I would never go anywhere, try new things, or trust the kindness of random strangers.  Maybe that is a little over-simplified, but I honestly never think about those things.  Even though I have had my share of crazy situations when I should maybe have been a bit scared, my mindset is to stay calm especially if it is a situation out of your control.

One of my favorite “I should have been fearful” stories took place in China.  I had a 2+ hour drive home from the train station when I lived in Dong’e. Because I lived so far from the train station, it was normal to have a carpool. When the driver picked me up he already had 3 other passengers (lucky for me they were all in the back seat). I jumped in the front and off we went towards Dong’e.  About 1 hour and 45 into the ride home we pull down a one-lane pitch-dark dirt road, with ditches on both sides, and drop off one passenger. It was so narrow we had to do one of those 3 point turns and then we were off again. About 10 minutes later, we turn down another dark single-lane dirt road. The other 2 passengers get out and get into a cart that was waiting for them.  It was just me left, and we headed to Dong’e. I know my driver also lives in Dong’e and I have used him several times prior, which may be one of the reasons I wasn’t too scared. We continue through the village (no street lights in these small villages).  Soon we came to a slightly more populated area about 15 minutes from Dong’e. We pull into a small “parking lot” which has a car and a shack, seriously a shack about 4 x 8. The driver blows the horn and a rather large man comes out and jumps in the backseat. No biggie, I assume he needs a lift into Dong’e. Well……about 30 yards down the road we turn into what looks like a factory that is closed or abandoned. The driver looked at me and told me something in Chinese that I didn’t understand as we went further into this lot. The lot was dark, there were no lights and he backed up perpendicular to a box truck. He tells me something else, but the only thing I understand is this will only take a few minutes. I just smile and say ok. Both guys get out of the car, the big guy opens the back of the box truck, and lo and behold there is a fuel pump. Illegal fuel, I assumed. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get any pictures as it was too dark and I was in the car. Anyway, they put fuel in the car, got back in and we drove the guy back to the shack. He got out, we left and he delivered me home. I did have a minute or two that I thought it might be my last day on the planet or I was about to be kidnapped and sold into the sex trade, but there wasn’t a lot I could do.

I still haven’t answered the question.  So here goes… back in August 2023, I wrote a blog about the passage of time.  The passage of time has been compared to the flight of an arrow, a rolling stream, and a winged chariot.  Shakespeare wrote of “the whirligig of time.”  Physicists insist that time doesn’t flow at all; it merely is.  In life, we divide time into three parts, the past, the present, and the future.  The grammatical structure of our language revolves around this.  Time is defined as the continued sequence of existence and events that occur in an irreversible succession from the past, through the present, and into the future.  Einstein believed time is not absolute and that time is relative—in other words, the rate at which time passes depends on your frame of reference.  Is time even real?

To finally answer the question, What am I afraid of?  I am afraid of time, more precisely, not having enough.  Stephen Hawking said, “ I’m not afraid of death, but I’m in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first.”  I too am not afraid to die, I have seen and done so much in my lifetime already.  The problem is, that the more I see and do, the more I want to see, do, and learn about this world we live in. Will I have enough time to read all the books on my “to be read” list?  Will I have enough time to travel to all the places I want to go?  God knows I‘m a master procrastinator and an expert time waster, but you can’t be on the go all the time.  Even though I fear time or the lack of it, and I know the answer to most of the “will I have enough time” questions is no, all I can do is face my fear and make the most of it.